I recently flew to Chicago to run their annual marathon with some college friends. 26.2 miles of fun was quite honestly 26.2 miles of enduring dwindling blood sugar and searing pain in my right leg. To say I struggled is an understatement, most people struggle at some point, but at mile 7 I hit a wall and it lasted through remaining 19 miles. 

I’m not a stranger to the marathon, this was my fourth marathon. I had never struggled that hard, and my time showed it. My dad usually texts me at the end saying “great time,” this time he said “good job on finishing.”

This is something I hate to admit to anyone who casually asks “How was it?” I don’t want to get into how the cysts on my ovaries pushed me to my limit or how the leg that was hit by a car a few years ago is very clearly my bad leg. So, I told people, “This is my last one for now,” for now being for the forseeable future. Usually, I plan my next one as I am crossing the finish line, the only thing I was thinking was “Man, I’ve got to drop out of that half in November I’ve signed up for.”

Heck though, I’m not too sad, running marathons is, how my friend put it, the way I dealt with my quarter-life crisis. Things are a lot better now, honestly I’ll keep my “bad” time if it means I get to keep being happy in real life.

When I signed up for my first marathon it was for charity for a family I had known in college. I was struggling in a new job, struggling to make friends, still living in my dad’s basement and grieving the loss of my awesome senior year in college. 26.2 made sense and it made a lot of things better for me. On the weekends, I woke up early and pounded the pavement, running back to my car exhausted and all the thoughts in my head silenced by the runner’s high. By the time the marathon came around, I had been fired from said job and really needed a confidence boost. The marathon was the best feeling I had in a long time, I felt confident. It felt great, crossing that finish line I had only one thought, “Man, I’ve got to do this again!” And so I did.

Struggles continued through the next training cycle and marathon. I was interning for a company, while most of my friends were a couple years into their junior-level jobs and moving to mid-level. Still living in my dad’s basement, not anywhere near enough money to move out.  I experienced some heartbreak during this time, the details of which are not important, what’s important is that if anyone else has been heartbroken, it’s literally the worst feeling. I would take NyQuil and still be unable to sleep, I still take melatonin every night just in case. So, I ran 26.2 and felt great again for the first time in months. I was so happy for the next few days. I forgot about everything and focused on the medal. Onto the next one!

By the third one I knew my body enough to push it a little further. During this time I had moved out of my dad’s basement, but was still adjusting to the new surroundings. My heart had healed and while I was no doubt lonely, I was moving forward. My job was getting rough. I had started in January and it started out great but then some big red flags were showing up that I chose to ignore. So, when I pushed my body to my best time ever, I felt great. The doubts that were creeping into my mind because of things happening at work were gone. Next one, hey Chicago seems fun!

Let me start off by saying I had the best weekend in Chicago. I got to reconnect with old friends, I think Chicago is a fantastic city and I did get a free beer at the end. However, going into it, I realized, I don’t need to do this anymore. My drive and motivation had dwindled, but for the best reason. I didn’t need 26.2 to feel good, I didn’t need to keep pushing my body to make me feel complete as a human. I had kind of decided going in this was going to be the last one before a break. During the race that thought was confirmed.

I have polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS), which with a bunch of other lovely symptoms you can develop hypoglycemia or low blood sugar is a symptom. In case you were wondering, runners rely on the glycogen storage HEAVILY during a marathon. Guess what happens when you constantly run low on sugar? CRASH!

I had noticed it throughout my training and tried to supplement anyway I could. I got pretty aggressive. At one point I was just carrying around a bottle of Dr. Pepper to replenish anytime I could. By mile 7 I felt my blood sugar plummet, it was going to be rough. I quickly texted my friends to not wait for me, I was going to have to go slow for my blood sugar. I drank every single Gatorade/soda offered and any candy offered. It didn’t matter. After consuming sugar, I would crash about a mile to a mile and a half afterwards. By the end of it, I just knew I had to push through with sheer mental toughness, which of course low blood sugar also robs you of.

When I crossed the finish line, I couldn’t even text people back for a solid 10 minutes, I just walked through the finishers’ area praying I didn’t collapse. In addition, my right leg couldn’t have been more in pain. I was hit by car while running a few years ago and this entire training cycle I knew my leg was off. I just pushed through. Bad idea.

It’s a really hard truth to admit, my mind didn’t overcome my body. It wasn’t an easy or quick decision to decide not to run another one next year. I had been doing it for the past four summers, but it was also a relief. I wouldn’t have to worry about waking up super early, free to take vacations without worrying where I would get my long run in and not worry I have to work out in the morning in case I have to stay late at work.

In addition, I didn’t need it anymore. I know people who only talk about their training, who live for their next PR or longest distance, that’s just not me anymore. I’m happy. I have a great job, good friends, a great apartment, a cat. Things could be better, but they are way better than what they were.

Was my fitness level better years ago. Absolutely! Would I trade the things I have gained for that fitness, never in a million years. It is a choice, I will admit, and I choose other things now.

I work 9-6PM, and sometimes I do my side gig after, and sometimes I have happy hours and sometimes I crash. So, I don’t  want to dedicate hours and hours a day to hitting my paces. It’s not something I prioritize, I prioritize other things like meeting up with old friends, making sure I earn enough money to pay rent (thanks Rover.com) and maybe hitting the gym, but it’s not a requirement.

I’m happy, and yes I have things I need to address. My first stop is certainly to get my glucose levels checked and just figure out how to manage it better. I’ll continue to half marathons and I won’t rule out a full in the future, but for now, I’m happy to just run for fun.