What feels like several lifetimes ago, I had a blog I kept up with fairly well. It was mostly out of necessity to prove to employers I could write. 4 years later and of course I think the last entry was about me running a marathon or something. Which there are gazillions of blogs out there about that, and to be honest, I ran it and it’s done and I’m doing another. That’s all you need to know about that.

So, what am I writing about now? I’m writing about the mundane, the everything, mostly the things I wish others would write about. I’m writing about what you complain to your girlfriends about after one too many drinks at happy hour. Those freeing moments when we finally admit, yes we’re lonely, no we have no idea what we’re doing and while we have baby fever, god help the child that inhabits my uterus, seriously say a prayer.

I consider myself both an open and closed book. I think there are a lot of things a lot of people know about me, but several very important things nobody knows about me. I believe though, the things I keep most closeted are what makes me most similar to the people around me. The constant fear of rejection, the notion that I have no idea what I’m doing at my job 99% of the time and the fact that I am lonely a lot but I’m worried I’ve learned how to cope with it a little too well.

Once a week, I am going to write about a topic that will make you both comfortable and uncomfortable. My goal is to show that we all have those insecurities or at least I do.

First things first, something that is always on my mind, my finances, or lack there of.

Don’t get me wrong I have a well-paying job, don’t live above my means and even have a side-hustle as a dog sitter (shout out to my canine companions who supply me with some extra currency).

However, I don’t remember the last time I was able to “pay myself first’ AKA put something into my savings account or COMPLETELY pay off all four (yes dad, four) credit cards.

I know more of us are in this situation than we like to admit because if I have one glass of wine and say “I could use a pay raise just to pay off…” many people raise their hands and say “me too.” However, how many of us would admit to our parents, co-workers, even roommates that we’re scrimping and yes we skip breakfast not because we want to, but because Starbucks just really isn’t the best financial option.

I do a lot right with my finances. I cook my meals at home, I always bring my coffee from home and I always bring my breakfast from home. However, I fail pretty hard on somethings. I’m an impulsive online shopper and I buy things I never use, aka the Himalyan salt lamp or the bag of succulent potting soil I have never used. Let’s not mention the many pairs of 5-inch heels I wore once and as someone who never wears heels it’s comical for me to even spend money on them.

The list goes on, the Uber rides that I could easily take the bus/metro for, the plastic water bottle I buy after I workout/run cause I’m so dang thirsty (I am personally responsible for the plastic environment issue, but I appreciate plastic straws for taking the fall.)

In addition the premiums I pay for the best cat litter/food for my kitten (because I may not be able to feed myself but I’ll be damned if his kitten food doesn’t include ingredients for brain development).

I recently disclosed my current credit card debt to my mom and she was rightfully horrified. I grew up in a household where my parents prided themselves on never carrying a balance on their credit card and I’ve never seen my mom swipe her credit card (seriously.) So, how is it that a college educated graduate like me got into this situation?

It started small, and responsible. When I started paying rent I realized my first of the month paycheck was going to go solely to that, so to tide me over to my mid-month paycheck I used my credit card. I would pay it off mid-month and repeat the cycle. When it started getting hard to pay it off, I got a side-hustle as a dog walker and earned mega-bank during the holidays. Keep in mind though I was watching 2-4 dogs a day during the Thanksgiving and Christmas seasons, it wasn’t easy and exhausting.

So, after the holidays I had a little extra dough, more than I was used to. I started to spend it on online shopping and got used to not having to scrimp and save. I could buy that bottle of wine or those cute shoes, because I had money. Then I went overboard and things kept coming up.

I went to Paris/London and had to put some euros on my credit card that of course never got paid off and then I was booking a trip to Chicago and friends birthdays and I got a cat. It all piled up, and before I knew it I was in debt. I knew, and still know I can dig myself out, but wow did it happen fast.

However, moving forward I will be more responsible about what I buy, the difference between want and need. For some people this comes naturally, for me clearly it doesn’t.